just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
