watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just found puke in my bra..
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
