my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
