between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
