Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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