Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
