Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
