This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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