Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize