It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
