im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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