I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
