I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
