Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
