I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
