My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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