I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We are all done wearing pants today
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize