i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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