Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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