I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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