I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
