the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
