the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
