The maid of honor just puked.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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