if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
