my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i used baking grease as lip gloss
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
