The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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