this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
