im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
