he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
