Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
