I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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