Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
oh god the rape fog is back!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
