after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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