just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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