Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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