Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
