i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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