Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So many bounce houses so little time
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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