gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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