enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
