Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize