I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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