I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
