My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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