I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
