She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
