Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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