got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
