Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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