You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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