He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
