Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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