shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
