Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
