Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
