I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
