saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
