How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
