A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
