lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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