So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
