He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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