i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
