He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
