U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
