Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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