John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
