i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
