I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
